I'm just thinking things here - stuff that I presented to Popeye earlier today - and it will probably jump around and be completely incoherent, but whatever. It's my post and that's that.


Here's my latest 'wondering'.  I feel like I'm having an identity crisis.
Yesterday The Royal Family & I headed to a friend's house for a "branding party".  Popeye bought us both boots and hats for the event.  We had a most wonderful time wrestling calves to the ground and pinning them while they got branded, vaccinated and castrated (only the boys, you know).  Anyway.  It was awesome.
That lifestyle is what my inner-most self yearns for.
But then I have this other lifestyle that I yearn for as well.  One that includes neighbors, a fenced yard, trick-or-treating from the front door and walking to school that's a block or two away.
I was looking at my front coat closet this afternoon and noticed something.  All of the shoes.
There's lots of them.  And (oops) a lot of them are mine.
I have my cowgirl boots (still with poo on the bottom that didn't give me blisters) sitting by the front door. 
I have my running shoes that I use for everyday living because of comfort and practicality. (Hey, it's easier to chase after a 3 year old running down the street in those rather than flip flops.)
There are the few pairs of flip flops and ballet flats that I wear when my feet need to breathe and see the sunshine for the few brief moments that I take the trash out or run out to the garage.
I also have my assortment of strappy-sexy sandals and my knee-high stripper boots.
What do they all mean?  Some make me feel attractive and desirable.  Some make me feel motivated.  Some laid back and lazy.  And now the boots - the cowgirl ones, not the stripper ones - make me feel strong and wanting to be outside working.
As I was looking at the shoes and thinking about what they 'mean', I started feeling lonely, confused, frustrated... whatever.  But it made me ask outloud, "Why can I not be happy with myself?  Why am I always trying to change myself to please others?" 
Ever since I can remember I've adapted myself to please others. To fit in. To be accepted.  In the teenage years it was all about the boys.  I had no problem getting dirty, holding snakes, playing football but I also had to be skinny, beautiful and have make up on.  (Hey, it's how I landed Popeye.) I look at pictures of myself when I was 16 and think, "How could I have had such a low self-image?  LOOK at those thighs!  I'd kill for those thighs right now."  But yet, I allowed outside influences to influence ME.
And those outside forces are still working.  Am I trying to be a cowgirl because of the friendships I've made?  Or am I using the friendship to help me develop my inner cowgirliness?  Should I buy my clothes at a certain store to get me into the 'In' crowd? If I get a certain calling will I finally be friends with 'her'?  If I bite my tongue and not say anything, will she like me more?  Why do I let other's opinions of me affect me so much? 
Popeye says that it's because I'm looking for another Milkmaid Supreme and just haven't found her yet. (Not that I'm wanting to replace Milmaid Supreme by any means.  I miss her terribly and wish we lived MUCH closer.)  But Popeye says that I'm yearning for that same relationship.  A completely trusting friendship where I don't have to question loyalties.  I see friendships being made around me and then watch them get torn apart because of deceit or selfishness.  And I watch other friendships that seem to progress and wait with baited breath for them to fall apart.  And when they don't, I'm envious because it wasn't ME that was the progressing one.
I think I'm destined to be a life-time long-distance friend.  I'm pretty good at those.  If I torque my long-distance friends then they can hang up the phone and mull it over until we talk again and all is forgiven.  But here.  Here in Small Townville I must see these friends weekly (sometimes daily) and I'm a lot to take sometimes.  The breaks aren't long enough before feelings can be mended.
Which leads me back to being a cowgirl.  Out in the country you don't have the neighbors right next door.  So seeing them everyday and offending everyday is scarce.  In the country you have chores that surpass the everday laundry, cooking, cleaning. There's cows to be fed, chickens to be fed, eggs to be gathered, gardens to be tended to, fences to be mended, horses to be watered, etc... 
Perhaps this is my answer.  Maybe the cowgirl boots should stay and the stripper boots get put into the back of the closet.  After all, nothing is sexier to a man than a woman who can pull her own weight (and then some) around the farm.

(And as a subnote - I'll be posting about the  branding as soon as I can get my pics uploaded to the computer.  SUPER time! Everyone should do it.)

Busy.

Popeye is leaving for a few days tomorrow.  He has some training for work that he needs to go to.  So I took the week off of my own work to stay home with the kids.  And we all know how I get while Popeye's away.

Today we primed the trim outside the house.  The rain finally let up enough to let us outside.  I hate climbing up ladders, so I had to wait for Popeye to be able to help me.  We got almost the whole house done this morning.  Now we just need a nice coat of white over that primer and the painting outside will be done!  YEAH!
Tonight I'll probably just clean up and get things ready for while he's gone. Hee hee hee.  I don't even think he knows what my plans are while he's gone.

Starting this past Saturday evening, we began potty training Thor.  Up until then he hasn't shown any interest at all, even with the bribe of candy (which he would swim with sharks if it meant a tasty treat).  But he was all for it!
So far so good.  A few accidents but he woke up dry this morning and I'm still feeling optimistic!  I'll continue with it through the week and hopefully he'll be like his big brother, Mr. Fantastic, and be completely trained by the end of the week!

It's been awhile since posting.  I really just wanted to let everyone know I'm still here.  And if you're wondering what I've been up to - check out my side bar and see all the '*DONE*' marks next to my projects.
Estimated date to put the house on the market - May 31.

And now that the cat's somewhat out of the bag (at least Popeye's boss knows), we're looking at switching law enforcement agencies.  So even though we've outgrown the house (hey, we moved into it and it was already outgrown), we'll probably be looking in another state for a house to buy.
So if you know anyone looking for a cute little house, I've got one.
I'll post pictures as soon as we're done with everything so you can see the improvements!

And on that note, time to make dinner and then get the boys to soccer so I can declutter a room or two.