I'm just thinking things here - stuff that I presented to Popeye earlier today - and it will probably jump around and be completely incoherent, but whatever. It's my post and that's that.
Here's my latest 'wondering'. I feel like I'm having an identity crisis.
Yesterday The Royal Family & I headed to a friend's house for a "branding party". Popeye bought us both boots and hats for the event. We had a most wonderful time wrestling calves to the ground and pinning them while they got branded, vaccinated and castrated (only the boys, you know). Anyway. It was awesome.
That lifestyle is what my inner-most self yearns for.
But then I have this other lifestyle that I yearn for as well. One that includes neighbors, a fenced yard, trick-or-treating from the front door and walking to school that's a block or two away.
I was looking at my front coat closet this afternoon and noticed something. All of the shoes.
There's lots of them. And (oops) a lot of them are mine.
I have my cowgirl boots (still with poo on the bottom that didn't give me blisters) sitting by the front door.
I have my running shoes that I use for everyday living because of comfort and practicality. (Hey, it's easier to chase after a 3 year old running down the street in those rather than flip flops.)
There are the few pairs of flip flops and ballet flats that I wear when my feet need to breathe and see the sunshine for the few brief moments that I take the trash out or run out to the garage.
I also have my assortment of strappy-sexy sandals and my knee-high stripper boots.
What do they all mean? Some make me feel attractive and desirable. Some make me feel motivated. Some laid back and lazy. And now the boots - the cowgirl ones, not the stripper ones - make me feel strong and wanting to be outside working.
As I was looking at the shoes and thinking about what they 'mean', I started feeling lonely, confused, frustrated... whatever. But it made me ask outloud, "Why can I not be happy with myself? Why am I always trying to change myself to please others?"
Ever since I can remember I've adapted myself to please others. To fit in. To be accepted. In the teenage years it was all about the boys. I had no problem getting dirty, holding snakes, playing football but I also had to be skinny, beautiful and have make up on. (Hey, it's how I landed Popeye.) I look at pictures of myself when I was 16 and think, "How could I have had such a low self-image? LOOK at those thighs! I'd kill for those thighs right now." But yet, I allowed outside influences to influence ME.
And those outside forces are still working. Am I trying to be a cowgirl because of the friendships I've made? Or am I using the friendship to help me develop my inner cowgirliness? Should I buy my clothes at a certain store to get me into the 'In' crowd? If I get a certain calling will I finally be friends with 'her'? If I bite my tongue and not say anything, will she like me more? Why do I let other's opinions of me affect me so much?
Popeye says that it's because I'm looking for another Milkmaid Supreme and just haven't found her yet. (Not that I'm wanting to replace Milmaid Supreme by any means. I miss her terribly and wish we lived MUCH closer.) But Popeye says that I'm yearning for that same relationship. A completely trusting friendship where I don't have to question loyalties. I see friendships being made around me and then watch them get torn apart because of deceit or selfishness. And I watch other friendships that seem to progress and wait with baited breath for them to fall apart. And when they don't, I'm envious because it wasn't ME that was the progressing one.
I think I'm destined to be a life-time long-distance friend. I'm pretty good at those. If I torque my long-distance friends then they can hang up the phone and mull it over until we talk again and all is forgiven. But here. Here in Small Townville I must see these friends weekly (sometimes daily) and I'm a lot to take sometimes. The breaks aren't long enough before feelings can be mended.
Which leads me back to being a cowgirl. Out in the country you don't have the neighbors right next door. So seeing them everyday and offending everyday is scarce. In the country you have chores that surpass the everday laundry, cooking, cleaning. There's cows to be fed, chickens to be fed, eggs to be gathered, gardens to be tended to, fences to be mended, horses to be watered, etc...
Perhaps this is my answer. Maybe the cowgirl boots should stay and the stripper boots get put into the back of the closet. After all, nothing is sexier to a man than a woman who can pull her own weight (and then some) around the farm.
(And as a subnote - I'll be posting about the branding as soon as I can get my pics uploaded to the computer. SUPER time! Everyone should do it.)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
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3 comments:
... Why do you have to just be ONE? Why can't you just pick out the good stuff from each element and create the ultimate YOU? Yes, a man likes a woman who's strong & works alongside him. Yet he also loves the woman who is confident in herself and can strut her stuff. That being said, when you take those elements that bring you joy and meld it into who YOU are, (and what you're wanting to be) you are no longer changing yourself to please others. You will be in a place that has something to offer to everyone and whether or not they accept, it won't be skin off your nose.
I can identify with wanting a local milkmaid supreme... It would be awesome to have somebody to chill, shop, gab, meditate, motivate & etc. with. For me - I'm in the same boat. The gals I truly connect with all live out of state and MEH!!!! Anyway, in working with my "self-improvement" aka "GET RID OF NEGATIVE LABELS" I'm hoping to get to that place where I know who exactly I am. And hopefully, getting a milkmaid supreme out of the deal would be awesome. If not, it's still ok.
I too am better at the long-distance friendship thing, but that's partially due to the fact that we live 10-minutes from one of the largest AF Bases in the country plus, other very close military bases and it's a very transient area. *SIGH* It does get lonely sometimes, though. I'm working on maintaining a few close-knit relationships rather than having everyone like me. After all, I'm not high-maintenance, I'm high-quality. :) As are you my dear, as are you.
Oh, my sweet, sweet friend. I had this conversation with one of my VT ladies last week. I too, have had those same thoughts lately. Since we came from the "Small Townville" and are now in the big city one would think that it is great and everyone is accepting (especially in the church...afterall we (Mormons) should be the most Christlike), but alas, that is not the case. We are different from everyone because we still like our cowyboy boots and hats and we actually like to hunt and camp (not many women here that will do that...in fact they think I am insane for being willing to sleep in a tent). There is a select group of women in our ward who get together every Tuesday afternoon. They bring food, all of their kids, and they play games. Sounds fun right? Well, this group is exclusive. Once you are in, you are IN. You must be witty, sarcastic, and other things that I will not mention (remember they are members of the church). I have witnessed people be horrible to others and throw friendships out the window all to get "in". The sister that I was visiting with last week used to hang out with these women and go to the Tuesday afternoon hoopla. She had an experience of typical female "catty-ness" and gossiping that led her to look at who she was hanging out with and how she was acting. She admitted that after she was stabbed in the back she realized that she was trying to be like them (she even thought that they would like her more when she bought her house in an "upscale" neighborhood (do you think that happened?) and in reality she wasn't like them at all (she didn't have a quick, witty, sometimes sarcastic (I call it rude) comment for everything). She decided that she had wasted so much time (every Tuesday afternoon for many years) playing games and gossiping when she could have been home doing as the Lord would have her do. So now this sister is removed from the group (and has been for many years). She is going through a hard time and feels very alone. Do you think that any of these women have reached out to her. Nope. The positive for this sister is that she realized that she was trying to be something that she wasn't. She is now true to herself and doesn't try to please those women who pretended to be her friend.
I know this is a long post, but I hope it helps you. I often feel sad that we moved from Small Townville because I do not fit in much here. I long to be back there with my friends and the people who don't think twice when I show up wearing my cowgirl boots. I miss having friends to hang out with and paint toenails with and watch girly movies. But the Lord had other plans for me. I am certain that he is watchful of me. Through the atonement he not only suffered my pains but he also suffered all of the crazy emotions and feelings that I have. He knows that I feel secluded and not part of the group (which do we really want to be part of the "in" group if that is not who we are?). My point is that the Savior knows you. He knows that you are wonderful. He knows that you are doing your best.
I miss you terribly and, as weird as this sounds, am relieved to hear that someone else often feels the way I do. Keep your head up.
Oh, and, by the way, I totally think it o.k. to own both a pair of cowgirl boots and a pair of hooker boots. You've gotta switch it up a bit...right?
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